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JustLittleMarySunshine
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: River
Country: United States
State: Maryland
Metro: PG County
Gender: Male
Interests: I enjoy writing, perhaps a little too much. I also like Veronica Mars. It's the best show ever. I like music. Serial experiments: Lain is a good anime. I enjoy AOL RPG, which makes me a dork. Photography. Art in general. I like cute boys a lot.
Expertise: writing, photoshop, Veronica Mars
Occupation: Writer, Starving Artist, Model
Industry: adult
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  notlowprofiie
AIM:  poshmadness
Member Since:
11/20/2005
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| temp layout until i have time to build a new one.
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| I've had this account for 711 days. That's pretty cool. At least I think so. Today was one of those lazy days, as the day after Halloween often is. I woke up at about 2pm. But if Erin asks it was 1:58. I played around online for the majority of the day. Working in photoshop to create my new xanga and myspace layouts. Which I am totally in love with.
(The actual coding for the xanga isn't mine. I only made the graphics.)
Anyway. I had sushi for dinner. That's amazing. I talked to Lauren and Sara and Nick. Nick might be moving in for a little bit. I really don't want him to but he's a friend in need and all that bullshit. Honestly I'd rather have <blank> than Nick here. But <blank> isn't really open to communication any longer. My choice, <...> fault. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Isn't that what I'm supposed to remind myself.
I tried writing in my journal last night only to discover that I have no clue as to what to write about. It's getting cold in my room, which is making me want to move into the basement even more than before. Everything is unfolding the wrong way, but I can't fold it back together and try again. It's far too soon. So for the moment I'll have to watch things become wrinkled and disorganized while I labour under the impression of moving on and the notion. But in the back of my mind I'll stay a slave to all my daydreams and midnight fantasies.
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| I don't feel as good about this new life as I did a few days ago. I'm scared. And alone. I'm usually scared and alone. But when it's all official it's a lot more real. And thus I've never felt more alone. I'm going trick or treating tonight with Sara, Erin, and Robby. Plus whoever else. I was happy yesterday and the day before. But not so much anymore. I just can't believe that everything has come to this. It feels so anticlimactic.
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| I
wish so many things had happened differently. I wish that night I had
told you to stay with me instead of going back up to her. Because if I
had maybe you would have stayed forever. I wish I had never confronted
you. I wish you hadn't made changes for the worst. I wish I knew how
to make you back into the person I knew, but I'm sort of afraid that
person is dead. Sometimes I'm finding myself wishing I hadn't of met
you. Because then none of this would have happened and I wouldn't know
that there were these emotions. Or indeed that all of them could be
felt at once.
So today is my day. And so was yesterday. And so
is tomorrow. And that's how I'm trying to live now. I said I would
wait until the sun exploded and everything on this earth froze but I
sort of realize now what a childish thing that was for me to say.
Because how can I be expected to wait around until I'm good enough for
you. It's frankly, ridicolous. Because I'm already good enough for
you when no one is around. But like I've said...you changed. And not
for the better.
And recently I've discovered that your behavior
was making me change. I've been so sad and pathetic. Because you've
been making me hate myself over something that wasn't even that big a
deal. Because it's just an object, it doesn't mean what you think.
The object has no meaning, fool. It was the gesture. But obviously
you saw past that straight to a endless little glow in the dark tube.
Your loss.
I still don't hate you, in case you're wondering.
But that's not really important anymore. Because today is the first
day of the rest of my life. I reread everything single conversation that we've had over the past 12 months and I've analyzed every journal entry I have about you. I know I'm right about this and thus I was this close to changing my mind again.... And then I was reading the new PostSecret book
today and damn, all those people that have let their lives be ruined by
other people. I won't let you ruin my life. So I guess we both win.
Except for that whole thing where you let her ruin yours. | | |
| Mood: ambivalent. So things didn't work out at all the way I had imagined they would. That's okay, I guess. I mean it's been a year. So it's time to move on.
I'm kind of proud of myself for finally doing it. But I kind of hate myself for doing what I said I'd never do.
Either way; it's been done. And it's not really my fault. I see that now.
Things change. People change. I just did.
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